Learning to Walk Again (openish thread)

[brother_alone]

Winter held Joshua's hands while he recovered. It drove away every distraction that would stop him from doing what it took to survive. It saved his life. When he was strong enough to climb out of the ravine he'd been thrown into it lead him to his first tracks in the snow. It gave him the cover he needed to secure his first kill.

Winter could not stay forever.

With it gone and Joshua once more in control of himself, things aren't as easy as they were. He often waits until the hunger gets to be maddening before he lets himself hunt. It's easier that way, keeps him from thinking about what he's doing. About clawed hands rending hide and sinew apart as sure as his fangs drew blood. If he thinks he hesitates. Ends up getting hurt and losing his meal. He's still getting used to all of this. He doesn't like it, but he's surviving.

It's the time spent in between hunts that's the worst. Time when his mind is brutally clear. He scrubs himself as clean as he can get in those moments. Laments over everything that's brought him here. The tiny shack in the woods he once used to call home has become so again. Still nothing more than four walls and a dirt floor but it's his. A place where he can retreat to when stronger hunters are nearby. A tiny territory all his own for him to claim.

It's lonely. It's hard. But it's home.

((Open to Josh's friends if they'd like to catch up with him.))

Comments

[brother_alone]

The speeder is settled down next to the shack, covered up in the tarp he always used in between his need for the vehicle. Stacked around it are various boxes and toolboxes for the speeder. Emptied out of what looks like a small tool shed. It's hard to imagine anyone living in a place this small, only just large enough for the speeder to have been housed but it must have set with its tail at one end and its nose at the other.

Josh is dripping wet when he emerges from the tree line, still clad in the same (also soaking) outfit he'd been wearing the day he disappeared. There's even more stains and rips on the clothes now, but he's clearly cleaning it as best he can out here. What would have been surprise has been tempered by Cricket's careful deliberate announcement of his presence in the area. Given Josh the time he needs to wrangle his own self control together.

His right hand is brushing droplets of water out of unruly dark curls when he finally approaches close enough to talk with Cricket.

"Not gonna lie. I didn't expect to see you thisss soon." He's too wary yet for it to be immediately obvious if Josh finds that to be a pleasant surprise or not.

[alittlehinky]

"Were you swimmin'?" Cricket looks quizzical, puzzled enough by his appearance to cut right past shyness and fear and into confusion. "D'you need some extra clothes? I think mine'd be too little for you, but I can find you a couple things if you want."

The strangeness and mangled appearance to his face is still chilling, but Cricket's not afraid of the woods, and rarely intimidated by what's in them, and there's dappled sun dancing on the ground at their feet, through the leaves. And this is still Josh. A weird, damaged version of him, perhaps, but still.

"Got a couple things I thought I should tell you," he says. "And I don't want you to go thinkin' you can avoid me forever. And I brought you some things."

He's a little wary, too cautious to turn his back on Josh, but he shrugs off the backpack and sets it on a fallen tree to pull out the contents. There's a blanket, some clean new socks, a little makeshift bathing and shaving kit in a ziploc freezer bag, and then the moonshine and sardines.

[brother_alone]

Josh glances down at his dripping clothes and debates lying to Cricket rather than just coming out and telling him the truth. It's not as though he'd be able to keep it a secret for long. Would anyone really be surprised, looking at him now?

"I mean kind of. But I wassss cleaning up."

He's only got the one set of clothes. They don't quite fit him right anymore but it's far better than going without. Admitting he's nothing but an animal now.

"Tell me what." He's eyeing the things Cricket's brought him and offered but the vague notion that Cricket has something to say seems more pressing at this second.

[alittlehinky]

"You need a change of clothes and a towel," Cricket says. And it's probable that he's missing what Josh means, unable to quite conceive of him covered with enough blood to have to jump into the water in his clothes in order to clean up. Give him time, maybe.

Maybe.

"Well," he says softly. "I didn't get around to tellin' you at the memorial, but there was a man askin' about you. Han Solo. I told him you were missin', and I reckon I implied you was probably dead, because that's what I thought at the time. But I remembered you talkin' about him, and I figured I should let you know he was lookin' for you."

"And the other thing is...the Fallen? They're still out here in the Wilds somewhere, and it's soundin' to me like you need to stay as far from them as you can."

[brother_alone]

He's not quite sure what to make of that. It's such an ordinary thing to be concerned about. Josh has been so far past that it almost makes him laugh out of sheer surprise. Almost. The right side of his mouth quirks into the beginnings of a smile. The first he's given since his ordeal.

"Probably."

It's gone a second later. Joshua's eyes have gone wide as saucers. Real fear spikes through him at the thought of Han of all people seeing him like this. But he suspected, didn't he? That speeder didn't get put back into the shed by just anyone. Only a couple of people knew about his shack out here. It's sitting outside now, covered by the tarp and among the boxes Joshua's moved out of his tiny space but hasn't yet had the heart to get rid of.

"...Han?" He knows about the Fallen. Knows all too well their scent and their trails and to stay far far away from them. Shame sweeps over Joshua's face and he hangs his head. "I'm glad he doesssn't know."

[alittlehinky]

It's not that Cricket doesn't get there's been a drastic change in his friend. He can see it, he can feel it. He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that Josh is no longer human, not completely. But he's spent quite a while sharing a bed with a god who is sometimes a magpie or a tiny white stoat and always an enigma. You don't have to be human to be people, he figures. Everyone just has to work around the other person's quirks one way or the other.

And wet people need towels. "I'll bring you some next time I visit," he says firmly. "You know what size you are?"

That question gets cut off by poor Josh's distress at hearing about Han. Cricket worries his lip. "I ended up not sayin' much to anyone," he says. "I wasn't sure how to explain 'cause I wasn't sure I should even have let you go."

Not that he could have physically stopped him. "I don't exactly...understand what you are now. I mean...you're still Josh, but..."

He makes a helpless little gesture. "I don't know. You ain't gettin' rid of me, no matter what, though. And if he's your friend, you might find he feels the same."

[brother_alone]

"Wendigo." His voice is barely above a rasping whisper. Easily to be lost in the forest surrounding them. Joshua bows his head in shame when he says it, but it won't change what he is or how he ended up like this. "At least partly. I still seem to have some control. Others I've seen...they weren't like me."

He knows there's no going back from this. No feel good happy ending where he gets his humanity back. Even if he was exorcised at this point wouldn't it just kill him too? Whatever else is in here with him it's not fighting for power. It's part of him now.

"But it's not that easy, and itsss not safe t'be around me. I don't. People want to fix it and they can't. People want me to just get over it like they did with my fucking mental illness and that's not how this works. This is me now. This." He gestures to the tiny shack and the little turf he's carved out around it. "This? Is who I am now."

[alittlehinky]

Cricket is extremely well-versed in his own local legends, but 'wendigo' is not one he's heard often. It hails from further north than he's ever been in his life, and while the word gives him a chill--probably because of the way Josh says it--it takes him a minute or two to place it.

"I don't know much about them," he says softly. "Except that they're hungry."

Which is a nice way of putting it, honestly.

He's silent for another moment, listening to the wind in the trees overhead, and then he says, "A'ight. You ain't wrong. Ain't nothing easy about this. But I promise you, I'm more stubborn than you are scary. I'm not tryin' to fix you, Josh. I don't even know if there's anything that needs to be fixed. That ain't my place to decide. I don't wanna change you, I just wanna be with you."

"So, how can we do that, without me getting myself in trouble? I don't want you to be alone, you understand? No matter how big the change is or how not-human you are now, I haven't changed. And I give a damn."

[brother_alone]

For as long as Joshua's had to live with the demons in his own head he's thought he was a monster. Has hated his rotten self down to his very last atom. And now he looks exactly like he always envisioned himself in his lowest moments. He is a bogeyman that people should be afraid of. In some ways it's comforting. Feeling like for the first time in his life he's being honest about who and what he is.

In others it's shameful.

All this time alone has given Josh a lot of time to sit and self loathe when he's been too tired to learn how to survive. How to live like this. Hunting whatever strays into his turf. Except people. Never again people. He can choose that. Is determined to. There's surprise evident on the undamaged side of his face that still emotes properly. His right eye is wide, jaw open (revealing more needle sharp fangs inside but who's looking?) while Cricket speaks.

"I...I don't know." He didn't expect anyone to want to stick around after seeing this. And maybe it's because Cricket doesn't know how bad it is yet, but. Joshua's starting to wonder. "I need to get a better handle on this first, I guess. I'm still learning how to...be this. Hunting, and the like."

[alittlehinky]

As much as he wants to help, as much as he genuinely, deeply, cares about Josh, Cricket doesn't really know what it's like to feel yourself a monster. He gets what it is to be outcast, to be different and looked down upon, but wrongness is something he's never felt within himself. He's trying to understand. He may never succeed fully, but he's trying.

"I've been hunting," Cricket says thoughtfully. "Hunting the way human people hunt, I mean. Deer or squirrels or birds. That's why I made sure to come up here the way I did. Wanted you to know I was on my way, not sneaking up."

"I'm better at fishing. Hell, I'd be happy to catch fish and just leave 'em for you some time, if you wanted, but I know that's not really a fix." If eating enough were the actual problem they could just park him behind Lord of the Fries and that'd be the end of it.

"Ain't looking to roll over and let you hurt me. I could probably get a taser or somethin' in case you can't hold back, I guess? I hate to do that, it seems...mean? But better that than to let an accident happen, I s'pose."

"I'm still gonna bring you things, either way. If you find you don't need towels and clothes and soap, I can take 'em back and give 'em to the Hostels." He's thinking aloud, trying to solve a problem that can't be solved, and now he pauses, scratching his head, and takes a second to try and reflect on how this all might sound to Josh.

Who is still adjusting to all this, himself.

"I don't know. If...if you just need space, I'll understand, it's just that I was getting to really like you and I hate to lose you. I can leave things for you somewhere if you don't wanna see me face to face. And pass notes, like."

Messages in mason jars. "Just don't forget about me."

[brother_alone]

Something wet rolls down Joshua's face for the first time since he lay dying in the frozen ravine scared and alone. Truth be told, Joshua didn't even know he could still cry anymore. But listening to Cricket so pragmatically talking about making things work reminds him so much of his best friend from home Joshua will never see again. People he pushed away until he ended up cut off from them entirely thanks to the Nexus, people he misses like a severed limb.

He squats down right where he stands, the lank to his bony knees and elbows standing out a bit more with how he's sitting on his heels wiping fitfully at his eyes. The tears won't stop for several long moments.

"Sh-shit..." Joshua's breath hitches slightly. "Don't go." His shoulders shake with every feeling he's successfully deadened for weeks on end. "I jusssst don't want to hurt anyone." Fuck, this is pathetic.

Cricket's the one who arranged a funeral for him when he thought the other was dead. He's treating Joshua like himself--yes--but he's also aware of what Joshua is enough to mention arming himself to be safe. It almsot feels like his friend has this more figured out than Joshua himself.

[alittlehinky]

Oh, shit. Cricket didn't mean to make him cry! He looks deeply flustered when he realizes what's happening, taking a few worried steps closer and reaching out, before hesitating because he's not sure he's allowed to touch yet. He doesn't touch. But he doesn't back away, either, digging for a handkerchief in his pockets. The one he comes up with used to be blue, and it's terrifically threadbare, but it's clean, and he holds it out to Josh, leaning down a little because he can't crouch, himself.

"A'ight," he says, gentle and hopeful and smiling sadly. "I ain't goin', then."

Cricket's insight into non-human behavior is born of folklore and mythology, solidified by the meeting with the Pleiades, and polished by many months of association with Loki. His assumption, which is rather innocent, is that if he can get along so well with a god who, in some incarnations, is associated with the end of existence itself, why not a wendigo? There is darkness and hollow fear that clings to Josh, but there is also a person there. A person who means something to Cricket and is worth fighting for.

"Hey," he says with a little smile. "What if we worked on engines again sometime? The smell of motor oil and such? Probably covers up human smells some."

It's going to be a work in progress. Which is fine, but it's going to be a dangerous work in progress, for Cricket. There's not a whole lot of room for the error part of trial and error, but he'll be damned if he doesn't try anyway.

[brother_alone]

"Get yourssself a tazer. Just in case. I think--I don't want to hurt anyone. But I'm still learning how to cope with this shit." Joshua's words are muffled while he wipes at his face calloused hands until he spies the hanky Cricket's offering out. It makes him want to cry harder but he doesn't. Not this time. "Thanks, bro."

It'll take him a minute to get a lid back on his tumultuous emotions.

"H-han brought the speeder back. Must've been him, no one else knew it was supposed to go here. I haven't gotten rid of it yet." Moved it outside so Josh would have a shelter to call home. A dry place to sleep at night. But it's meant moving out all his tools and the speeder itself next to the shack. "Sssso that's an option, too."

[alittlehinky]

"I'll do that," Cricket promises, and means it in his usual quiet, pragmatic way. He'd rather not hurt Josh, but a couple hundred volts of electricity is probably less painful than coming out of a fugue state to find you've killed and eaten a friend. And Cricket's never going to be able to outrun him.

Meanwhile, 'thanks, bro' makes his smile warm and brighten. He thought he'd never hear Josh say those words again.

"I'd like to help you work on the speeder again," he says with a nod, looking over at it. "Do you need a shed for it? I'm buildin' a chicken coop and there's gonna be lumber left over. Not...sure how to get it out here, but I reckon we could figure somethin' out."

He doesn't seem to find anything too terribly shocking about Josh living in a shack. It's only a bit smaller than some of his grittier neighbors used to live in. Cricket would probably have issues without a raised bed and running water, but he's not judging.

[brother_alone]

If anyone had asked Joshua, he'd admit he's not sure how much of him is still the way he sued to be and how much has changed. Truthfully he's not the man Cricket befriended anymore, but neither is he quite the monster he was melded together with. Enough of Joshua is still there though. Surfacing in fits and bursts even if he doesn't realize it.

"I do. If I don't get it covered up the weather'll get to it. I needed to move it ssso I'd have a place to stay though." It hadn't been an easy choice. After so long of taking meticulous care of the damn thing the idea of getting rid of it wasn't easy to countenance at all. But he doesn't want to live out in the open or find a dank dark cave to call home. He doesn't want to be reduced to an animal. Is terrified of it in fact. The shack may not be anything more than four walls and a door but it's man made.

It's his.

"Just glad the weather's been holding up sssso far."

[alittlehinky]

Maybe Cricket is clinging to someone that isn't there any longer. Maybe he's trying to befriend something that cannot be befriended. Maybe there's a truth--a person--in-between those two dangers, and if he aims just right and Josh doesn't move too fast, he'll find him. He's bound and determined to try, either way.

"Well, I can definitely help with that much," he says, sounding relieved. "I'll get the lumber out here somehow or another, and some tools. I can build a lean-to in a few days. Faster, if you wanna help."

"If Han put the speeder here, I reckon he meant he wants you to still have it, so you may as well have a place for it. Hey, you eatin' eggs, still, or just meat? I'm gettin' chickens. I could bring you eggs if you want 'em."

But not the birds themselves. At least not in high summer. Cricket really wants to treat them as pets, but if the Winter is going to be as harsh this coming year as the last, he's not going to be able to feed a whole flock through it. Some may have to become dinner in the Autumn. He'll just...only name half of the flock, or something.

[brother_alone]

"Could use the speeder. You go sssslow enough it might haul a few pieces at a time on a skid tied to it."

It's not something Joshua's tried before but the idea seems sound enough to him. He could definitely help carry some too but for now Josh hesitates on offering to willingly leave his tiny territory he's staked out for himself in the wilds. The wider world of the Nexus still seems risky. Dangerous for himself but mostly for others.

"Dunno. Haven't tried yet. I used t'like 'em a lot though."

[alittlehinky]

"Well, I can definitely handle a skid," Cricket frowns thoughtfully, then gives Josh a shy smile. "But you ain't let me drive the Speeder before. You sure you're a'ight with that?"

He's less afraid of having Josh close to his place than maybe he should be. Primarily he just doesn't want him to be tempted to eat his chickens.

"Let me do this, then. I'll bring you some linens tomorrow. Gonna be a couple days before I'm done with the coop, but as soon as I am, I'll come out here and dig up a place for a foundation, and then we can go from there. Sound okay?"

He will bring eggs, too, for certain.

I think that's a wrap?

[brother_alone]

"I don't need it anymore." He could definitely still use it if he wanted to. He hasn't changed so much that he couldn't fit on the damn thing. "But I can ssshow you. You saw me do it a bunch during Winter." They talked about it pretty often while they were doing repairs. Filling the air so that they didn't have to think about how....hungry. They were.

Maybe it's better for him to cut this off.

"I'll try to leave a ssssign if it's a Bad Day."

Sure!

[alittlehinky]

Cricket nods and hesitates briefly, as if he wants to shake hands or hug him, but he's still not sure he should. Especially hugging. Hugging might be too much.

"We'll figure somethin' out," he says, trying to sound reassuring and like he knows what he's talking about. He doesn't. He's just bound and determined to try. "You know where to find me if you need anything I can get you. Or, you know. Just to talk."

He won't stay, though he makes sure his retreat is slow and casual. You don't run from a predator. You don't act like prey. He knows that much, at least.