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Old habits are hard to break...
Jul. 17th, 2018 06:36 amWhy do people bother trying to change?
The endless struggle of climbing up a goddamn mountain only to fall back to square one or worse into a hole that's even deeper into all the shit you were trying to escape in the first place? Hands pockmarked with shallow half moon cuts wash out a beanie in a stream not too far from the little shed Joshua used to call a home. Does again, he supposes. He hasn't really thought about it much. All of his thoughts have been circling around that masked party and the talk he had with his employer while he was there.
Joshua can't change.
Even when he thinks he's doing good people have died and been hurt by his hands. The things he built mentally tortured victims who would never live to see outside the setting Joshua painstakingly crafted again. They never knew any of it was fake, just there to get a scare. It wasn't fake, not to them. Joshua was the only one who ever thought it was. The thoughts don't make him nauseous the way they did at first. When denial was still such a strong urge and he still desperately clung to even a shred of hope that he was innocent and not a monster wearing a man's skin. They seep into his consciousness instead. Dripping down to patter against his skull every so often like water in a cave. Like in the mines. He never really escaped that place, did he? Joshua's been here long enough to know this isn't some mere illusion. He knows he's not still there raving like a maniac alone in the dark.
He never mentally escaped that place. Fundamentally he's the same as the broken son of a bitch who came out of that place into the Nexus. Sure, for a time he thought he was better. He thought he was good, as though a psychopath can ever be good and just. He's the same Joshua Washington who mentally tortured his closest friends. He came to the Nexus and did it to strangers, instead. All while putting a smile on his face and insisting he was changed. Different. Better.
Time rotted those lies away and pulled them down to decompose in the dirt. This is all he is. A mentally broken psychotic fuck up who killed his own sisters through the same negligence he blamed his parents for and then tortured his friends to shift the blame onto them.
This is all he is.
It's all Joshua will ever be.
The endless struggle of climbing up a goddamn mountain only to fall back to square one or worse into a hole that's even deeper into all the shit you were trying to escape in the first place? Hands pockmarked with shallow half moon cuts wash out a beanie in a stream not too far from the little shed Joshua used to call a home. Does again, he supposes. He hasn't really thought about it much. All of his thoughts have been circling around that masked party and the talk he had with his employer while he was there.
Joshua can't change.
Even when he thinks he's doing good people have died and been hurt by his hands. The things he built mentally tortured victims who would never live to see outside the setting Joshua painstakingly crafted again. They never knew any of it was fake, just there to get a scare. It wasn't fake, not to them. Joshua was the only one who ever thought it was. The thoughts don't make him nauseous the way they did at first. When denial was still such a strong urge and he still desperately clung to even a shred of hope that he was innocent and not a monster wearing a man's skin. They seep into his consciousness instead. Dripping down to patter against his skull every so often like water in a cave. Like in the mines. He never really escaped that place, did he? Joshua's been here long enough to know this isn't some mere illusion. He knows he's not still there raving like a maniac alone in the dark.
He never mentally escaped that place. Fundamentally he's the same as the broken son of a bitch who came out of that place into the Nexus. Sure, for a time he thought he was better. He thought he was good, as though a psychopath can ever be good and just. He's the same Joshua Washington who mentally tortured his closest friends. He came to the Nexus and did it to strangers, instead. All while putting a smile on his face and insisting he was changed. Different. Better.
Time rotted those lies away and pulled them down to decompose in the dirt. This is all he is. A mentally broken psychotic fuck up who killed his own sisters through the same negligence he blamed his parents for and then tortured his friends to shift the blame onto them.
This is all he is.
It's all Joshua will ever be.
